Peter Hobler, MBA, is the driving force behind “The Ex-Factor” brand, developer of The 7 Principles of COURAGE, architect of The Vicious Cycle of Subconscious Fear, author of COURAGE To Find The
A lot of people ask me how I came up with The EX-Factor.
Things between my now ex-wife and me had been rough for several years. My wife at the time, our three-year old daughter Alie, and I had just returned from a trip. I thought things were finally starting to improve between the two of us, but I had barely finished unpacking my bags, when she walked into the bedroom and with fire in her eyes told me to move out of the house. I was stunned, to say the least…I did not see this coming at all.
I slept in the guest bedroom and moved out the next day. Over the following weeks and months the interactions between us became combative, and every time we got together the air quickly filled with accusations and defensiveness. I knew this was having quite a negative impact on our daughter who was a silent observer of all of it. After each combative interaction, I would unknowingly take the negative energy and mindset with me to my office. I became unfocused and easily distracted. Expecting the worst I became entrenched in my fears, and the slightest provocation at work would set me off. As a father to my wonderful daughter, I became down, then depressed, and knew I was not being a good dad because of what was going on.
This was when I started to understand that everything I said and did as a parent sets an example for my daughter.
I realized that it was easy for me to be a good dad when I was happily married, but now that things had fallen apart, I had become mired in toxic reactions to my ex – and it affected all parts of my life. It took quite a while before things even remotely started to get better between my now ex-wife and myself, and I vividly remember the day things began to shift. I had started thinking about who and what was causing me to react with frustration and anger to Alie’s mom during almost every interaction between the two of us. I recall a particular heated dialogue regarding the overall schedule for Alie. I returned to my home in a rage and was standing in front of the mirror in my bathroom and asking myself who was at fault.
Suddenly the huge epiphany hit me… I was the one and only person causing myself to react and I had been blaming my ex-wife instead of taking personal responsibility for my own actions and reactions.
In that moment, I had one of the most life-impacting realizations of my life… I was personally responsible for every choice I make, and each and every one of my choices has a ripple effect that impacts not only myself, but the people around me and beyond. The main individual receiving the brunt of my reactive behavior (fueled by my frustration and anger) was my daughter, Alie.
This was quite the jolting wake up call, especially regarding my role as a “loving” parent! I also realized that I needed to forgive myself to let go of the intense negative energy deep inside of me in order to foster a new perspective to start to move forward in a different, more positive manner.
That day I made the decision to commit to no longer allow my subconscious fears to lead me to react; rather to remain calm no matter what my ex said or did, even if she was purposefully trying to trigger me into reacting.
I had Clarity that I wanted to set a different example for Alie.
Almost immediately I had the chance to put my profound realization into practice when I next went over to speak with my ex about the schedule for when Alie would be with each of us. I vividly recall sitting at my former kitchen table when my ex said something that normally would have set me off like a time bomb. I cocked my head slightly to the right and looked at her. She curtly said, “What are you being so smug about?” I replied, “I am not being smug, I have decided that I am not going to react to you any more because Alie is too important.”
Over the next 6 months or so, as I worked on having heightened Awareness and taking personal Responsibility to follow through and remain calm no matter what my ex-wife said to me or did, things slowly began to shift for the better between us. Her subconscious was no longer receiving the reactions she had come to desire and expect, so over time her own behavior began to shift. She became less reactive and controlling and more open to having calm discussions, especially when it had anything to do with Alie.
This has had an incredibly positive impact on my child. Have I been perfect? Definitely not, but overall that single decision to stop allowing myself to react led to our being able to begin to create and nurture Split Harmony within our former family unit, setting a much more empowering example for our daughter Alie.
The seeds for The Ex-Factor had been sewn.
What & How
Peter shares insights, guidance, and principles to plant seeds of inspiration for parents having the awareness they want to remove the reactionary angst filled behavior from their family equation as they have realized how negatively it impacts their children. The door is opened with the desire to forgive, followed by the principles forming the acronym CAR… Clarity for what you want for your kids; Awareness for the impact of your choices on yourself and your children; and Responsibility for your words, actions, inactions, reactions, choices, and the consequences of each… The vehicle that will take you to your desired destination.
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